My safe space

My safe space; 

A space where I thought I’m secure in,

Where I’m understood and unconditionally loved; 

A space I thought I ruled in and a person I thought was mine as much as I am his.

He was that space;

I confide in him and I thought more of him and less of my own, he was my centre and I, peripheral.

I loved him with all of my heart and never once was I selfish towards him.

The space was null, non- existent.

It was a realm that only exists in a world i created in my head, 

I was unaware of what really happened before my eyes, I deluded myself.

Now, I am awake.

Some things are too good;

Too good to be true and you’re the “one thing” that was good,

Only hoping for it and praying that I won’t see things that don’t exist.

I’ll love me more, I’ll be good to myself.

Sorry, dear myself.

But I’d wanna die if that happens.

If you don’t look at me the way you do any longer.

I don't know how hard it’ll be, to try to un-know you,

And to unlearn everything you’ve introduced me to;

Bứt mostly I don't want to try to un-love you.

I’d die anyway..

Even if I don't bring it upon myself,

I’d do so anyway.

What attracts you, what brings you peace and serenity with ecstasy; I want to be all of them.

I don't want to keep you longing for anyone else or anything else.

But if I’m not the answer to all of your questions 

What else can I do? Except to end it with myself 

For being such a failure to my own existence

What if one day you wake up and realise that I’m just someone you wasted your time with

While I was dreaming of forevers and happy ever afters?

How could I live knowing that you don’t love me anymore?

But that’s none of your concern,

I’d live, I’d die being yours and yours alone.

(6 May 2023 at 10:48 PM)

Bút if I could go back, I’d run.

 Bút if I could go back, I’d run.

Was the veracity higher in degree

Never would you enter this proximity.

You were treacherous at first,

Brazen by the time the truth unrolled.

To believe that I was loved left me in a lurch,

Now disgusted with the credence I lended myself;

I’m waiting for the storm to calm,

For what’s done is done,

But if I could go back, I’d run.

I want to live as vividly as you do in my head

Your image of me is how i intend to be.

I’m a little lost these days in trying to find the part of me you found to be amusing;

In looking for myself in the deepest troughs and the highest crests, i lost myself.

But i want you to find me where I’m lost.

Look for me in the mayhem,

I disregard any other presence except yours.

Find me in my deepest dejection,

I reject to be elsewhere except in your arms.

Enthral me like the first time you do.

We are a moiety of beauty in the broken.

When each alone there is no pleasure and there is no us;

For in your absence I find myself unbearable

Because if there’s no you, there is no me.

I want to live as vividly as you do in my head

The version of you that I get to fall for 

Reiterated that I never knew what falling in love has to feel like

Just as much as you reside in this barren mind

I hope to be forever beautiful to your cognition

so lovingly, effortlessly and undoubtedly all for my cause

 

Tried giving up on the whole line of Y-Chromosomal Adam.

Almost allowed myself the denial of my fondest  dreams,

For men had never been nothing but a mere torment to the soul;

I don't know what i did to deserve such exploit whenever i loved.

And today I know not what i did to deserve you either.

There are a lot of things that i do not know

Why RNA primers are favored over DNA primers naturally?

Why people choose hatred over kindness?

Why the grand designer chose division for cells to multiply? and

Why you came into my life ever so suddenly and

Change the course of my life in a way I had never comprehended.

 so lovingly, effortlessly and undoubtedly

all for my cause.

You are making me feel like I’m loved.

♥️