JUMBLED UP.

Hello again. J

Here, I just want to share with you guys some of the lines I just wrote, I know there will be some of you who will relate to it J

ENJOY

#1.

She looks at him and she was sure that they won’t work out,

That was her biggest fear.

But still, she needs to take the chance.

She risks her heart for an hour to be spent with him,

Because all she ever wanted was to have him for eternity.

#2.

Its hurting when you know for sure that you can’t keep him to yourself for a lifetime;

Because even when he is at his best, he’s just fine for a one night stand.

#3.

She looked at him so closely

That she could see his feelings.

She hugged him so tightly

That his heart was beating on her chest.

She listened to him so conscientiously

That his voice blows through her ears.

What she heard, what he said was the sweetest and the most magical that to her was audible.

He said, “I love you”

But she knew him well.

So well that she knows exactly how long that his love will lasts;

And that is as long as the longest hand of the clock takes to strike after its last.

But she holds on as she was still hoping for the opposite.

#4.

She dresses for hours, puts her make up on;

Picked out the best outfit she could find after hours of browsing through her clothes.

She lets her hair down but then styled it up a bit,

Because he loves her in braids.

She took her bag and as she holds the door knob she breath deeply.

He was waiting by the doorstep;

But she only glanced.

It was because she was shy on having her feet walking next to a guy who used to be her distant crush.

He grabbed her hand but inside a part of her resisted.

She was afraid of getting hurt, she was afraid of being forgotten the next day.

She don’t know him because his eyes were full of secrets, but she still chose to trust him.

I found love where it wasn’t supposed to be.

10:00 am-

“I miss you so much, I wish that you are home right now. Baby, please make it soon, you know my parents aren’t home and I’ll be home alone all through this week, I wish you were here.”

12:00 pm-

She received a text message,

‘Hey, i'm coming over to see you’

It was from a friend she hardly talk to, a cool, handsome guy with cool physique, captive eyes and a killer smile.

She replied, “ohhh! Yes, come over with a drink, I’d like to save it for later :D”

He said that he will and that he’ll be there by 1 o’clock.

As he said he does came by, they were friends not close ones though, they listened to songs played on loud stereos, she loved the song so much as it said much about her relationship with her boyfriend miles away from her.

They chat and he danced to the music, he was having good moves (as he thinks of himself :D), they were alone in a room, nobody to care. By the time she looks at the clock, hours already passed even before she realized it was dark outside and already time for dinner. She invited him to stay and he did. After few hours of cooking and dining, they get back inside her room.

Having the chit chats over a drink and cigarettes, she was in love with the moment, having drinking herself high and not aware of the do’s and don’t’s anymore, she lay on her bed thinking about galaxies and outer space, how magical but disappointing it is for her to exist. She felt everything around her, a handsome guy singing to melancholic tunes and hands so warm was with her all along, she knew that she was going in a wrong direction but she cared less.

She needs company and someone to make her feel that she exists on this planet with someone noticing her and someone to make her feel comfortable being herself as she had always fantasized about. Elsewhere she feels neglected and unwanted, people makes her feel like a burden and she hates noticing that on their faces and she was drained with emotions.

She opened her dreamy eyes but it was still so dark, as much as it was while she closed her eyes and as dull as it was when her lashes brush through her cheeks. She talks enough sense but she lost her mind. He listened and she was touched inside the cotton pieces she used to cover herself, underneath her skin and the rib of bones where the pounding heart skips a beat.

Within no time it was a start of a new day, she was yet again afraid of being forgotten the coming day the dawn was about to bring. But though it was very unlikely with the way the earth revolves, HE STAYED.. he stayed with her, in her room and in her heart. She started exposing like an open book written in secret codes, she unravels every of her deepest secrets.

He found out that she was twisted and broken; needing mending in every of the cracks where life happened to tore her. He possessed that power by the look in his eyes. He was interesting, he cooks for her, he tucked her to sleep and he provides everything, the essentials and everything else she didn’t knew her life was demanding. He gave her funny names and crack jokes and made her feel accepted with as much brokenness and emptiness she knew she had. He stayed with her and yet she is about to face the new world having him beside her. :D

Before Life steals all of my innocence, I’m deciding to play fair with my heart.

When I do anything I hardly think of what people would feel about my actions. I am not trying to please people or win them over,I don’t expect them to please me either. What I want friendship or any other relationship to be is “free”, like free from all the judgmental attitudes like, “what my friend would think of me if I do this and that”, “maybe my friend wouldn’t like me anymore”, or maybe “my friend would gossip about me if I indulge into such and such”, having to care of all those would be so tiring and heavy. I’d rather have none of those relationships.

 When I was 18 years old, that was just two years ago I faced so many of these. Before, I was free from all of these because I have good friends and good family, the family which had always been a place where people have spiritual conventions and talk about their testimonies because we are Christians.

 But as I passed my 12^th grade, I shifted to a whole new level of experiences. Seriously, it took only two persons to make me realize all the bitterness this earth had borne. They are the trials and now I’m going through it so well. It took one night and a one topic conversation to introduce me to a gossiping, awkward, total acting but a real live kind of friendship.

I came to know that this kind of relationships are real, people are not so kind, people are not so intimate even with themselves,  people are bitter inside and people don’t deserve the purest intimacy all the time, people could be mean, friends could be mean or should I no longer call them “FRIENDS”? I don’t want anything to do with them. I’m terrified by their act of friendship but I want to put no blame on them maybe Life happened to be hard on them, for having such ugliness inside and also on the outside:D ha-ha

 From there onwards I was changed, people knew that I did and they were not comfortable with the new me, because I was turned into someone so different from what they knew earlier, but life happened. “Good things don’t last forever, nor does sadness” I find new interests, mostly I got back to the old me, I resumed to write, I resumed to compose (as you’re reading :D) and I’m back into music, I find new melodies, I find good companies, I get back with my old friends and get to know that “Old is really gold”

I’m so much alright now; right here, lots of gaps between me and the frauds I told you about. I don’t know if they are happy where they are, or if there is anything going on, these paragraphs are not meant to be about them as much as my life is not. Lol.

And tonight, you might feel like you had a tough time, you may feel burdened with the responsibilities, maybe so carried away with the chores that you don’t even have time for yourself, stay calm, tell yourself to pause, get yourself doing something that you used to love, find time to stay true to yourself, let all the need of pleasing or serving anyone else flee off of you, get yourself a time to think, ask yourself if what you’re in right now makes you happy inside, not having to convince yourself by the bane or the boon of such things you are doing. If you can’t give yourself the answers TURN TO JESUS, He is the answer to everything, if you don’t know much about Christianity or anything about Jesus, whole heartedly recite these lines:

     “LORD, I need you tonight, to help me find the purpose laid for me. I need you because I don’t even know that I need you, speak to me and show me the way, I submit myself unto your guidance and help me believe in you. In Jesus’ name, Amen”

 This prayer will get you something new, “Jesus” this name is the most powerful name man had called upon, I’m sure He knows how to help you. He gave me a new life and a purpose, I’m sure that He has that power to change you too, if you just rely on Him and if you just give Him that space, and if you choose Him, because He won’t force you, HE SETS EVERYONE WHO BELIEVES IN HIM FREE, let HIM set you free. Freedom is what human needs most.               
Now I am free of all the things, I had talked about earlier because HE HELPED ME, JESUS HELPED ME.

I CAN PREDICT YOUR PLANS :D

I can predict your plans. Not exactly on how you are going about it or how you will get there but I’m sure it’s about happiness, success, good vacations on exotic places. Maybe marriage, setting up family, have beautiful kids, setting up business, do well with job, build up great careers, owning apartments, dress well, eat healthy and have a sound sleep. I am right, right? :D

None of it includes being in jail, getting broke, ailments, failures or death.

I don’t include those in my list either, except one. Surprised? Huh? Well, it isn’t normal so you should be. That one thing is DEATH, honestly I’m diligently preparing for that one thing to finally take me away from here because Death is the only way I would reach to my dreams. What I desire is not from here, it doesn’t belong with the attractions on this earth, it doesn’t agree with GRAVITY.

GRAVITY is what’s holding me down; I need Death to help me,my soul defy Gravity, to help me fly to HEAVEN. Every person I love is waiting for me there, I don’t know what’s calling them home so early but I badly need to join them.

On knowing what could happen to my health on the near future, I’m deciding to act differently and I know that I don’t have much time here. Savings and selfish attitudes don’t usually get on my way because I love to give things away. I want to be carefree; I want to have nothing except Love.

I don’t want to keep any treasure to myself, I don’t have much of them either and I know, I’m sure that I had proven myself the joy of giving. I want to help people out, I want to make people feel recognized, I want to make them feel that they are given attention, I just want to make people feel important and I want to remind them that our world isn’t so hopeless.

To finally get over the Materialistic mindset I had earlier, I went through a lot of breaks and burns. I always denied that I needed those lessons; I never want to convince myself that those built me up and now, surely I accept the Truth and I feel amazing to own this new perspective.

It takes toils; take souls, takes time to run to where you belong and still I’m searching. WHERE I belong is wide open spaces, calm atmosphere, long drapes hanging over wide windows, a rocking chair, big stereos to play loud music, gazing at the view of a calm beach, wearing laces, holding a pen writing down anything that’s on my mind. I just want to spend time dreaming, escaping from what this earth is offering.

I just want to get lost, but not having to die;

I want to vanish, but never cause any loss;

 I want to disappear, but I want nobody to search for me;

I want to escape, but be somewhere else.

You had dreamt of those right? 

 

WHAT THESE LITTLE ATTRACTIONS DOES TO LIFE:

" AS my phone rang, i picked up the call and

 'she wants to talk to you,' 

was what your uncle told me, we talked and talked " HE SAID. 

"SO, what did you guys talked about?" that was my question.

then he says, "YOU"

"What's there to talk about? did you guys really talk? when?" i asked him many questions because i wasn't expecting this conversation.

Well, that was what my dad and i talked about last February, 2015.

The conversation he talked about happened before my mom was in comma because of her brain tumor and cancer that spreads all over her body, she asked my uncle to ring up my dad, as she was weak and half of her body paralyzed.  

My mom and dad had a sad, tragic but interesting love story, and i don't know even half of it because my mom would never tell me those, maybe just like me, she's afraid of bursting out with tears as she recites the story or the facts.

Sorry that i can't tell you much about this, and i cant even remember what i tried to post at first, sorry about that :)

Ummm, yeah, my dad was a fighter, a street fighter but then as my mom came along, he wanted to change how people talks about him, because he finally wants to leave his  old life and become a better man, for a husband and for a father. But old habits die hard and your friends gradually don't change, it was hard for him to completely erase what people knew of him.

When my mom's dad, my grandfather, being overprotective heard about my mom and her boyfriend who literally is a massive mess, he could not allow that relationship to continue. But my mom was many hours away from home and living next to my dad's quarters, grandpa didn't have much power, and my father being so in love and so desperate for my mom, couldn't control his feelings. HE AND MOM RAN :) ( this is so cute, i must say) RAN in a sense that he brought my mom home and so i came into being! TinggG!

But my grandparents couldn't let that be, they asked my mom to go back home and my mom being disciplined all through life, fears the Lord and her father,and she get back home being a few months pregnant. 

I was born and my dad once told me that i was born just the way they wanted me to be.

Mom and dad used to talk about what i would grow up to be, to whom i'd be more alike :)

My dad says that i took my nose from him, my eyes, my lips and my hair just like my mom, just the way they wanted me to be :)

He told me that i was perfect, and he would always tell me in different ways, by words, by action, how much he loves me.

Today is my 20th birthday, this story is way older than me. Today these two people are terribly missed.

Mom is busy doing some praise and worship in heaven and my dad is probably babysitting my one year old stepbrother.

I'm glad that mom and dad finally moved on, enjoying their separate ways, but wait they left me  :) i know that its for the better, the HOLY GHOST is with me and providing me everything.

Thank you for reading and enjoy your love lifes.